You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We left the knife in your bed.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
