I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
