I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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