Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
