Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
handjob tips. give me some.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
