allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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