Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
