Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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