I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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