i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
