he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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