I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
