I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
