i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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