I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Someone came in the potted fern
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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