I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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