More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
