That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
