my phone needs a breathalizer
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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