I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
