Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
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