in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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