She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize