I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
