my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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