sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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