Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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