So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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