I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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