i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
