I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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