im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My feet surprised me
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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