OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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