I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize