I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
