we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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