yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
