There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
