i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
