it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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