You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
