I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
