apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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