When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
