I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
only if we run a train.
done.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I party with great urgency now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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