Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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