I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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