I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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