and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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