Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Houston, we have a blender
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
