you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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