i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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