apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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