So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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