I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
