I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
