did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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