dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
